Bill Harding's Clear Water

Attachment Bond Breach Repair.

2010-03-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

We can repair an attachment bond breach. We say to our care giver, “I am so angry with you that I want to pull out your eyeballs and stab you in the heart.”
The angelic care giver would say, “Oh My! I am so glad you told me this. I had no idea I hurt you so badly.” Then our care giver would say, “Please tell me more about your anger and what it wants to do to me. Let me know what I did to hurt you so much.”
Then we’d tell them exactly those things. Then they’d say, “I am so sorry and I’ll work on not doing that again.” So the topic can be spoken and repaired any time it recurs. We all know it will recur, we’re human. Still, the attachment bond breach is repaired.
As we imagine, this is not common. Most care givers, parents, teachers, bosses, elders, do not want to hear our anger and rage toward them. They want us to be quiet about it and not show our emotions. This is the pattern their care givers used to contain the same problems when they grew up. So then we have generations of impaired relations and impaired emotional closeness. We have generations of lonely people.

Awareness Practice to Stay Connected to Experience.

2009-12-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

When we work with the after math of the heart burn of cruel fate we focus on energy rousal. We bypass the memory of clear facts. Some facts can over load us. Energy flow can often return without our need to delve onto the blow by blow facts of the trauma too deeply. We may chew over a return to resiliency. We affirm in a muted and full way of the trauma as we work mostly with clear awareness and image.
Events of trauma often imply a clash with death. As such, they evoke big time,' major responses. Our change toward growth allows us to deepen our sense of self and others. Our long, steep healing path can be a "wakening" to fallow resources and a sense of empowerment. With the help of these new allies, we can open more than one portal to rebirth. We can attain an higher sense of aliveness and flow. What we go thru can genuinely waken our spirit, one that allows us to hook up with our world.
"If we bring forth what is inside of us,
What we bring forth will save us.
If we don't bring forth what's inside us,
What we don't bring forth will destroy us." The Gnostics

Touch Hunger = Neurotic Body Smog - Brain Fog.

2009-12-15T15:47:00.000-08:00

Touch hunger is a physiological status with a medical and psychiatric label. It's the failure to thrive' syndrome. Cutaneous deprivation will affect our Immunity, Sleep and Intimacy.
We get fitful, on guard and wary, and suffer a deep, harsh sense of loneliness. We're hyper sensitive to temperature changes as our blood circulation ebbs. Then too, we notice our loss of touch sense. Our skin gets numb. If we seek too much rest, touch hunger causes muscle damage. This shows mostly in our shoulders and back. We're always tensed to ward off one or both pains.
1.) A toxic touch.
2.) A rejection of our need.
If we're physically active, we seem to suffer less of this. A body work out regime keeps our fascia mesh from being stiff and achey. A body work out regime keeps our muscles from atrophy. This same muscle action helps us work off the stress locked in our bodies.

To See Clearly.

2009-12-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

What trains our sights on our parallel inner worlds of body, mind, and spirit - where the roots of style lie - to see clearly. Laserlike, it illuminates our inner parts, whether they are muscle, fascia, and fluid or of thought, emotion, and impulse. To see clearly helps us tell apart our thoughts, behaviors, and motions as style. It up grades our ability to query ourselves with cogent focus. From "Why does this happen to me?" We evolve to a query of more depth, such as, "What do these events have to tell me?"
Still, a clear notion of logic that does not travel beyond our mind seldom sets up change. Our body houses our affect depot too. Yet, it might not absorb our insight. Self care acts thru the medium of our body. We see clearly to even deeper levels. Thru self care, we blend and go thru, with our body and heart what we, by logic, know to be true.
Yet even insight isn't enough to break free of old styles. We often have a moment when we're ready to change yet find ourselves held jailed by an unseen force. What is this unseen force? Why does it paralyze us, so maddeningly, just when we're ready to surge ahead?

Fearlessness - Leap of Faith.

2009-12-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Part of the lure of old styles is the belief that "the devil we know is better than the one we don't." We go out of our way to prefer the familiar to the unknown.
The alluring nature of style contributes to this. It is artful, and magic. It mesmerizes us with endless repetitions of a pattern. It polishes its deep groove. It deftly conceals the fears, needs, and beliefs that lie beneath.
To change styles requires fearlessness. Our leap of faith helps us face the unknown. When we cut off a toxic relation, we might worry if we can find someone else. Yet without the distraction of the relation, we face deeper issues. Do we keep feelings of shame or ugly doubt that lead us into the relation in the first place? Thru our fearless leap of faith, we learn to put up with nasty sense inputs, like grief. We let them pass so we don't resort to the comfort of old styles.

Our Boundary Seeds Move.

2009-12-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

Times of ecstasy happen without our effort. They come from hidden places inside our being. They are as normal as our times to sleep and to breathe. We return to our origin and remain where we have always been.
We were conceived in an act of pleasure. Ecstasy is in us by design. The moment the sperm met the egg in our mother's womb the promise of ecstasy arises. It exists inside us right now as a potential force. It's likely to create joy within. It's likely to live a life cut like a wished for jewel. It's likely to reflect who we are, to radiate an energy that heals and enchants. Every step we take carries the possibility of such a wakening. Every breath we take carries the possibility of such a wakening.

Our Whole Being Is Right There.

2009-12-15T15:41:00.000-08:00

When we just notice, what does occur to our alignment in a particular intimate time or to our breath during body love, our experience deepens. We can be mindful in that same way while loving each other with our whole bodies. It can transform what might seem like a daunting task into a satisfying interlude.
Body love is a fully sensual set of events. We see our loved one. We feel them. We smell them. We even hear them, because we listen to our loved ones body. Our whole being is right there with our loved one.
Just notice what occurs as we find kinds of caresses. We may spawn creative ideas in body love. Let's not be afraid to handle every place and part before we go on. Ask what any body part should feel like when ready. Hold them in our hands. Notice their texture. How does they smell? Are they soft, smooth, hard, rough? Then try to imagine how it might taste and what senses could enhance it. Body love is a blank canvas. Our kind of caresses are our paints. We are the artist.

Our Boundaries Move.

2009-12-15T15:38:00.000-08:00

Our days teach the relation between control and letting go' in many ways. In our usual form, we play by the rules.
Then we embed the form in our muscles and neurons. Only when we've achieved some degree of mastery can, we let go. That's why custom builds the classic test of skill around the question: Do we have the skills to let ourselves be out of control?
We recall our times we took the test that points toward our joyful calm. All the forces of: tradition, timing, fitness and geography "attack" us. As we spar, we give our all. Many weeks pass, and we feel our strength beginning to wane.
We'll have a moment when we have no choice. We give up using our muscles and our will. We let our reflexes, our body, do what they can do on its own. Moving without thought, we best four of our "attackers," before finally being put to the floor by the fifth.
We're sure that we've failed til we hear our inner voice' cheering. We pass with flying colors. Our win' scares us. What will we do next?
The point of our scene is to give us the chance, when faced with unbeatable odds, to recognize that our personal strength is insufficient. We let go. We trust the power that we've built and rehearsed. We've practiced so it will uphold us. It does. Our body, moving on its own, executes our wishes, our urges, natural flow. We yield to the control of no control and find our balance.

Separate And Connected.

2009-12-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

If our Protective Millisecond Reactive Husk is about how we're separate, then our spirit is about how we're linked. It will reply to this query. "Who are we that is related to all those others out there?" When we dwell in our PMRH we know that we're unique. When we dwell in our spirit, we know that we're related. We dance with each other. The dance creates us. We're together, a unity. We live alone, to be sure. Still, we're not irreducibly alone. We're also tied together as one whole being. We will indeed die alone, but if we can grasp the truth of our spirit that we're all one beneath the skin, then we die into love.
We note that we'll not suggest that either our PMRH or our spirit is in any way a disembodied being temporarily trapped in our flesh. They're but ways of having a notion, or so, about ourselves and of relating both to ourselves and to the world. They're both needed for our grasp of how it is that we exist. We're separate and we're linked. After all, it takes binocular vision to see depth.

Balance Dependence . . . and Independence.

2009-12-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

As human infants we're the most helpless mammal on Earth. We fully rely on our care givers to exist. Our label is " We' not me'." As we shift to needed levels of free will,' we start to test the waters of independence. These times are stages when we begin to harbor the notion of a separate "Me." We need to assert a huge dollop of rules over our own lives. We need to form our unique sense of who we are. We need to set up our own ways to choose. Our care givers will hear the word "No" more. We'll assert our own taste and notion of what suits us. With too many "No's" our independence can be stifled. Not enough "No's" leads to poor boundaries. This is a series of steps. It'll help balance our dependence with independence. This goes on thru our early times. It peaks while we boost our search for independence and as we form our identity. We must disengage from primal care givers in preparation for independent living.

To Manage Affect Flash Backs

2009-12-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

1. We say to ourselves: "I am having a flash back." Flash backs take us into a timeless part of our psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in some early time. The affect and senses we go thru are past memories that cannot hurt us now.
2. We remind ourselves: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in this minute." We're now in a safe time zone. We're far from the danger of the past.
3. We own our right and need to have boundaries. Remind ourselves that we do not have to allow anyone to mistreat us. We're free to leave mean scenes and yowl at unfair acts.
4. Speak reassuringly to our Primal heart. It needs to know that we love it unconditionally. Our primal heart can come to us for care and security when it's lost and scared.
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking. In early times, fear and abandonment feels endless. A safer future is impossible. Still, flash backs will pass as they have many times before.
6. Remind ourselves that we are in an adult body. We have allies, skills and resources to protect us that we never had before. To feel small or little is a sure sign of a flash back.
7. Ease back into our body. Fear launches us into "heady" worrying, or glazed numb and frozen space out.'
8. Gently ask our body to relax. Feel each of our major muscle groups. Softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to our brain.)
9. Breathe deeply and slowly. To hold our breath also signals danger.
10. Slow down. To rush presses our psyche's panic button.
11. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe ourselves. We wrap ourselves in a blanket. We hold a stuffed animal. We lie down in a closet or a bath. We take a nap.
12. Feel the fear in our body but just watch it. Fear is just an energy in our body. It cannot hurt us. We'll not run from it. We'll not react with self harm to it.
13. Resist our scolding Grouch catastrophic fear.
(a) Use thought stopping to halt its gross over fear of danger and need to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or give up ourselves. Funnel the anger of self attack into saying "No" to unfair self scorn.
(b) Use thought substitution to replace negative thinking with a written list of our qualities and accomplishments.
14. Allow ourselves to grieve. Flash backs are chances to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment. Then we validate - and then soothe - our primal heart's past times of helpless hopelessness. Healthy grieving turns our tears into self compassion. It turns our anger into self protection.
15. Push for safe relations and seek support. Take time alone when we need it. Don't let shame isolate us. To feel shame doesn't mean we're shameful. Train those close to us about flash backs. Ask them to help us talk and feel our way thru them.
16. Learn to know and label our kinds of triggers that lead to flash backs. Avoid unsafe people, places, acts and any tricky course of action. Set up preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering scenes are unavoidable.
17. Figure out what we flash back to. Flash backs are a new chance. We find out, make valid and heal our wounds from past misuse and losses. They point to our still unmet growth needs. They can offer a motive to get them met.
18. Stay cool with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized. It takes ample if not a huge chunk of time in the future to bit by bit lower the nasty, mean affect, length and rate of flash backs.
19. We don't beat ourselves up for having a flash back. Recovery is a bit by bit process - often two steps ahead, one step back.

Affect Flash Backs.

2009-12-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

We've gone thru steep learning curve times. Times when our affect was skipped over. Times when we misused our strong points or natural gifts. No care giver was available. Times when no support, comfort nor safety comes to us. We long to feel that others like us, welcome us, or listen to us. We long to feel empathy, show warmth, or invite closeness. We long to feel cared about. We seek others so they'll know what we think, feel, do, want, or dream of. We, who go thru this trauma, learn early. No matter how hurt, alien, or terrified we feel, to turn to a care giver will make worse our sense of rejection.
We, who go thru this trauma, see the world as a terrifying place. We're wired to feel scared when left alone. We're wired by DNA to cry and protest to alert our care givers when we are. But when our care givers turn their backs on such cries for help, we're left to cope with a nightmarish inner world - the stuff of which affect loaded flash backs are made.

From Our Spirit to Eros.

2009-12-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

Our desire to love always finds a way out of any trap. To keep our desire for love captive for long is not possible. When our desire to love does not come out to make babies, we show our desire to love in every other way. We're money gathering, altruistic, the arts, family nurturing, philosophy, science, politics, empire building, charity, war, abuse, crime . . . you name it. Much of it is good. Some of it is horrid. For better or worse, it is all an aspect of the life force in us. It's the display of our desire. Our great bounty of desire to love is DNA driven. It's built in. We own it.
The key to manage the desire of our spirit of love is not to squelch or medicate it. Let's find a natural channel that will fulfil our deeper urges. This takes some wilful thought. We need a better system of self care. It can help us expand our desire to love in a new, sweet manner.
If we really want to, we can know the truth and be set free, just like Jesus said. The core element in this is our desire. We can open our gate way to the divine if we choose to.

Wounds in Early Times.

2009-12-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

Let's plan to reframe affect flash backs. They're a signal series from the wounds of our early times. They're shaped to challenge denial or the ways we ignore our trauma. It is as if we clamor to make valid our past care giver gaps, omissions and misuse. This is how bad it is. We get flooded, in terror, shamed and lost in our own chaos! We feel this too much of the time. When seen in this light, affect flash backs are a signal. They're from our early times. We sense that many of our needs to grow have not been met. Most important among these are the needs for safety and for good enough' attachment. We've no needs with more power than those of a care giver's safety and empathy. Without them we cannot own and develop our habits of self protection and self compassion. They're the corner stones of a healthy ego. As we do not waken to the need for this kind of primal self advocacy, we remain stuck in learned self abandonment. We rarely develop effective resistance to internal or external abuse. We seldom gain the motivation to consistently use the tools to manage affect flash backs.

2009-11-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

Soul Mates are People Growers. Soulmate is somebody with whom we have a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A soulmate is a partner who feels right, thru and thru. With a soulmate, things are improbably easy. We’ve no noise in the signaling. Our cues are picked up, and honored, as they were intended to be. A soulmate feels like our missing half. They make us feel complete. It's a beautiful dream, and one that animates much if not most of our romantic questing. Unfortunately, the dream of the perfect partner is, well, imperfect. First, issues arise even between soulmates. We’ll never know a relation that’s completely free of tension. We’ve no soulmate exemptions. Second, the best and highest purpose of relation may not be to get along well, with a minimum of disruption. It may be precisely the opposite - to challenge us to grow beyond our current limits. These issues require a measure of conflict, unhappiness and tension. Personal growth is factual and valuable. We’re growing. Mostly we’re always growing more. We’re growing more wisdom, more blended, more complete. Personal growth is one of our missions. It’s also a mission of relation. Relations are people growing machines. When we rub up against our partner (not in a way that feels good!), we’re offered an opportunity: to become more than we were. Relations can collapse because of too much conflict, and also because of too little. We might have an unhappiness trap. It can be wise to get out when the going gets too painful. We’ve also a soulmate trap, and as unlikely as it may seem, it can also be the path of wisdom to get out when the going is too easy. The best relations produce pearls out of the grit of conflict - and leaven the challenges with large and frequent doses of laughter, humility and love.

2009-09-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

The "Rules" of Touch.
As we grow, touch moves from instinct and natural to have an affect base. Touch starts to carry the "weight" of emotions and manners. Social etiquette steps in. We learn the rules of touch by watching our others.' We watch family members interact with touch. We're also told when it is safe to touch and when not. Judgment is passed on touch. To touch fades from our everyday life when we start to walk and get independent.
As a mobile child, we are soon taught that we have good touches and bad touches. We're not to let any one we don't know touch us. Before most of us learn that, our DNA driven moves us toward anyone with open arms. We're ready for embraces and kisses. Then that behavior is taught out of us. To touch has rules. Touch moves from parents to friends as we grow, thru wrestling and fighting, arm and hand holding, as we make touch part of our play.
As a teenager, touch becomes sexual. Few teenagers receive more than compulsory hugs from their parents. Other touches are limited to hand shakes, until a teenager encounters dating, where touching rules' change again.
As an adult, touch only comes from strangers with hugs and hand shakes, or thru intimate relations. Once we've a family, touch fills our life again thru our children. Then our children start to learn that touch has rules. Til grandchildren enter the stage, most touch will come from one person, our partner, or few people, until we die.

2009-09-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

Our Internal Knitting.
Connective tissues ( fascia ) bind our body into a whole. It is the most wide spread tissue in our body. It forms an maze of mesh that links all our body parts. It holds discrete bundles of bones, muscles, organs, etc. How it moves our times to become lively body motion? These will enrich the lush cell value of our varied and vital tissue. It transmits our moves. It gives our muscles lubricants and agents that heal. We enjoy our flex. We love to feel free. So let's focus on connective tissue and muscle fascia.
Muscle fascia do affect our flexibility. Fascia makes up as much as 30% of our total muscle mass. It makes up about 41% of our total muscle resistance to motion. Fascia is the stuff that sorts each of our muscle fibers. Fascia makes a bundle of them into work units. It offers structure and transmits force.
We derive many gains from a fun reach: joint lubrication, better healing, more circulation, and extra mobility. These all relate to salubrious stimulation of our fascia. Of all the basic parts of our body which limit our flexibility, it is the one that we can safely stretch. Most every lively motion does enrich the inner health of each cell of our varied and vital fascia.

2009-09-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

Liberate Our Deeper Sense of Who We Are.
Let's carve out time to remove our mask. This is the part of us that's not afraid to be bad. By bad we don't mean evil, but we can allay our "Do - We - Dare" mindset. It feels good to be bad once in awhile because it liberates us from our daily cage. It's also freeing to be bad at some new thing. We are not afraid to go beyond our comfort zone. We'll try some other' thing. Few of us are skilled at driving when we first learn or fluid when first peeping' our new gadget. So we play at our new skill and hit a few wrong notes here and there. Still, they're our wrong notes and we enjoy doing what we do . . . just for us.
The stress of people- pleasing and role playing for others can steal our heart away. It makes us an artificial person. We lose our natural self. Who we think we are is tied into seeing ourselves as unique from others. How do we differ? What is our opinion? What do we enjoy doing? What is the gift we wish to give?
Let's not always resist what just burbles from our innards. Self silencing and stifling to keep "the peace" or hold on to dreams that droop come at a great cost to the health and composure of our body and spirit.
We don't need to say what other's want to hear. Still, we do need to hear what others say to simply reply. Envision how light we'd feel and how freely we'd breathe as we move with others without our role mask.

2009-09-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

We're Alive, Always In Flux.
So who are we, independent of our others' and our world? We haven't anything we can point to within ourselves that we can confidently say is a core essence that will Never' change. We might offer our personality, or values, an introvert, a romantic, or that we have a deep love of beauty. Still, these are descriptors of ways we behave or what motivates us. They aren't who we are.
We can go on with this effort, but we don't find anything we can nail down as "Who we are?" All the things we come up with are superficial and impermanent. We don't have anything we can point to within ourselves that we can confidently say is a core essence that will Never' change.
This idea doesn't say we don't exist. If we walked into a wall, our bodies would bump against it and we'd feel pain. Yes we exist! What it means is that we're constantly changing beings. We're always in flux. We're not permanent. We're not fixed entities.

2009-09-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Let's Explore Somatic Sensations.
Trauma is in our nervous system. Our traumas are not in the event. We now know more fully that long term stress causes body changes. These are deeper and deeper body changes. We now know this means that threat stores trauma in our body. We now can make our close care payoff much better. We'll make sure of body orientation. Body and mind links help us ease pains of Post Trauma Stress Disorder and to over come nasty or ugly life events. Tools help care givers help those of us with trauma, expel bound up' life saving energy. These take in immobility, or freeze,' responses. We can become more active in self care. We set a plan of what we need in our daily agenda. We dump our self protective reflex of fight or flight related to our early threats. We loosen our clench on the rousal in our Autonomic Nervous System. Then we return to our center calm.

2009-09-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Our DNA Belief Bundle.
We come into this world with a certain DNA belief bundle. DNA forms our belief bundle in the womb. We have lungs we can't use in the womb. They're created with the DNA belief of breathable air upon birth. We have eyes, which can't see in the womb. They're designed with the DNA belief of sight. Our ears are designed for the DNA belief of sound. Our mouths and tongues for the DNA belief of taste. All parts of our body, including our muscles, gut system, they design all with DNA belief of use outside the womb, but inside, they're useless.
The largest organ in our body is our skin. When we're born, it has the DNA belief of touch. It craves touch. Watch us as a child. We examine everything with our hands and all our senses. With this tactile receptor covering our entire body, the divine designs it to be touched and to touch, awaiting input upon birth. Touch gives us information at first, hot, cold, and texture. Touch gives us information from the moment of birth about our world, including the touch of those who care for us and how they touch us. Many of us have palpable memories of being held by our care givers. Infants deprived of touch after birth usually dies. It isn't much different with us. Touch is part of our DNA belief bundle upon birth. It's usually given by our parents and care givers thruout our lives.

2009-09-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

We're Knitted Inside.
Let's do longer stretches. They build healthful, permanent changes. They build a richer value into our fascia. These fascia bind our muscles. We use longer, fun, body motions. If we keep on we'll hold our poses for short periods. We'll get a nice sense of release. Still, we aren't going to get the muscle structure shifts. These are the shifts that add up to a long range boost in flexibility.
If we hold heart warmed, novel moves 90 to 120 seconds. Then we change the "ground substance" of our fascia. Ground substance is our non fibrous, gel like' binding agent. Our DNA embeds collagen and elastin in our fibrous connective tissues. Our ground substance can stabilize and lubricate our connective tissue. If this pith is tight or sludgy it can limit how we flex. It can speed the rate we age. Longer stretches, of sweet motives, do set off healthy, long range changes. These become the juicy flexes of our fascia. Almost every playful body motion will improve the cellular quality of this varied and vital tissue of ours.

2009-09-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

Allergic To Our Attachment.
Oh, our self seems icky, it all shifts. We try to sense what our world expects us to do. So we glean enough clues about how our system' or other' wishes us to act, we can play that role for a very long time. We often seek help at the behest of some one else. We may seek therapy, information or support, with only the vaguest notion about what, if anything, is wrong. So we do not notice that nothing happens. We do not get better. We watch closely. We notice that our cooperation, in itself, serves to keep our others,' if not our world, away. A focused confrontation or intrusion will not help either. We do not easily trust intimacy. If too much closeness occurs, we will leave. Now we have the big dilemma!! If we go on with things as usual, nothing will happen, but if anyone labors to point out that nothing is happening, we will leave!! We begin to heed that some thing is wrong when we blandly discuss topics that sound laden with drastic feelings. We note, and may report, fierce feelings, but we just do not show them.

2009-09-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

Dissociate, Numb Out, Dismiss or Deny.
Let's assume that most of our psycho pathology is linked to multi, scarey hidden trauma. We seek to cope with on going, needed, intra - familial hard times. It's a sample of our best efforts. We labor under a short supply of basic need care. It's linked to never ending snubs. We know that a major result of these ways is to adapt. We create long term, boxed off, affect, ideas, acts, and sense inputs. We know this as dissociation.
We deem all these as a threat. Our sense of having a psyche where we can watch all the moving parts. We also deem all of them as a threat to trust in our vital attachments.
This "dis - integration" of neural input plays havoc with us. It limits our access to basic life level data. We block any emotional, somatic, behavioral and cognitive feed back. Our past life events are hidden. This feed back has high value for us. We need this feed back. We guide our future move by move and moment by moment. In stillness, ecstasy, action or awe we always need this feed back.

2009-09-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

Defensive Empathy.
Our soul in love will do as it pleases. It will always surrender. For we surrender to fascination. The delights of our soul are the joys of sagacity and systemic forces. Disbelief in fascination is disbelief in intuition and the force of the world about us. This causes tyranny. To accept fascination is the essence of fated intuition that Qupid conveys . . . through us. It is the only way we realize our faith. Belief in fascination is not easy for it engulfs us. Belief in fascination infers we will accept the battle with fear. Our social - more orthodox - tradition raises us inside of fear.

We want, we want, we deserve!

2009-04-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

Foster Fear, Anger, Stress, and Depression.
In too many of our days we think that our circumstances dictate how happy we are. We have a world 'out there' that’s not right! What if that's not the way it is at all? Still, the thoughts in our head control our notion of what happens to us.
They Control Our Very Feelings?
We need more money . . . Our health issues are stupid . . . Our partner should change . . . We’re a failure . . . Our body is too fat . . . Our customers shouldn't talk back . . . Our father was cruel . . . The economy is bad.
Thoughts like these may run thru our mind hundreds of times a day. They foster fear, anger, stress, and depression. The most severe ones are automatic. We don't even know about them!
Let’s Use Humor and Lovingly Incisive Clarity.
We’ll show how we can label and question our stressful thoughts. They cause all the suffering and violence in the world. How can Our Grief Work bring us happy days?
We want to grow big in our personal power. We want to be of greater service to others. We want to find glorious new levels of inner calm. We want to go thru more joy in each day.

Scared or Disguted? Risk. Risk.

2009-04-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

Take the Risk of Sharing Us.
Our ‘others’ love what we put forward as the genuine us. Still, we know that it's a facade. They think it's the genuine us! Our ‘others’ basically get to love (or not love) what we give them to love or not love. Are they wrong for loving what we ask them to love?
At some point we have to take charge of this choice. We learn to hide some or all of our true self from others. So now we’ll take a risk and show the real us.
Yes, maybe some our ‘others’ won't love us for who we really are. Yet if we don't come out of hiding, we can be assured that nobody will love us.
If we want to be loved for who we really are, we have to be willing to BE who we really are. We’ll share that with others. We take charge of - carry the burden of - conveying to others who our real self is. Is this scary and risky?
Sure. But it beats hiding our light!

Our Sense of Our Dynamic.

2009-02-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

The Two of Us Build Inter Actions So All Our Options Grow. Our relation styles are DNA and 'hidden event' shaped. Via temperament and training we build our style. We express our relation styles in great arcs.
Our relation style, and traces of our past, set up the options we know about and which ones we choose.
They shape the acts we choose. We shape what we expect. We shape what sense data we take in. We grow inter twined, cause and effect cycles of inter active logic and affect styles of our relations. These become our legacy.
Then we forge our gifts to ongoing inter actions with others.
We have our sense of self. We have our sense of our ‘other.’ Our sense of our dynamic ‘tween’ our self with our ‘other,’ is inter action.
All this comes forth from scenes we share. We have scenes that we cannot explain if we refer to just one of us alone.

Active Moments Unwind.

2009-02-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

The Two of Us Build Inter Actions . . . So All Our Options Grow.

Our relation is the origin of our psychic structure.
The process of our relations with our ‘others’ changes us toward growth.

From the division of our first cells, we engage in lively care . . . to actively build . . . both our inter personal and our subjective worlds.

We build, thru the two of us, our selves, as active moments unwind. This begins at birth. This goes on thruout our life cycle.

We are who we relate with.

Far Below Our Awareness.

2009-02-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

The Two of Us Build Inter Actions So All Our Options Grow.
We change toward growth as we act upon each other.
This inter action labels us as "together." It tells us the nature of the ultra blended view we create. We have our moment to moment affect inter change. This, ‘tween care givers and care receivers, raises our best growth.

We focus on the mutual give n take of our efforts to grow.

We, by intuition, balance both of our active roles.

We focus and build the inter play that we both seek and enjoy. As a prime pay off, we grow habits and skills far beyond our awareness.

Dangling, Needy and Uncertain.

2009-02-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

We do seek each other, often two or three times a day. Still, we find no steady ‘get together’ pattern. We care enough not to put our ‘others’ into an emotional tail spin. Aren’t we both feeling vulnerable and foolish and abashed?? These feelings come precisely since we confide all this to each other?
We commend each other when one of us opens up. We’re guides for each other, for godssake! We can't be vulnerable, foolish, and embarrassed with each other?? If not then with WHOM??
We chuckle and enjoy that we’re dangling out there, needy and uncertain. We see it as a vast improvement. This over the serious professional we used to know. This over when we fought back our tears and never needed help.
We look forward to confiding in each other.

Fumbles are a Part.

2009-02-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Let’s stop feeding our dragon. Let’s snuggle and nestle with our own inner skills and beauty. We cannot create self esteem by always telling ourselves that we are awesome. We can note which tactics and skills serve us well.
Esteem of self and respect for self grow out of devoted effort. Whether or not we succeed, it builds our needed pluck and spunk. We know that we try our best. We keep on trying. We keep on working with our assets. We will finally succeed. Mastery of self does arise out of our effort. It’s the prelude of success.
We have long known that depression and apathy damage our immune system. They lead to serious disease. We also know that when we give up on ourselves and become a victim, we deny ourselves the power to grow and change. We stay stuck in our own frailty. But that paralysis is our barrier. It stops us from making an effort.
We know that fumbles are a central part of mastery, not reasons for penalty. Yet without our tincture of effort, our power remains uncouth and unused. The outcome is a shakey first level, root, basic distrust.

Uncertainty and Vulnerability.

2009-02-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

We still find ways to cope. We reach out each day to our lover. We show an intimate, open heart. We ask them to mentor us for back up and care. Just because we show an intimate, open heart and serve as role model doesn't mean that we can't ask for help. We’re not afraid to reveal our own uncertainty and vulnerability during dark times. We learn to ask for help thru trial and error.
When we begin to show an intimate, open heart of self care, our ego pushes to do well. We do fear our body pain or fatigue or both. Our limits cause us to show an intimate, open heart from a place of uncertainty and unsteadiness. We come to accept the fear we go thru when we need to ask others for help.

Each Part of Each Day Keeps Coming

2009-02-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

Because of karma, bad luck or misfortune, in our days on Earth, our pain stays with us or our fatigue stays with us . . . or both. In turn, this sets up a range of body slug fests. We also tussle with bouts of depression and the inevitable forces of aging.
Still, our desire to show an intimate, open heart stays more alive. We long for heart felt honesty to our ‘others.’ We want the ways we do self care to be embraced each day. We use our self care tactics to take our thoughts and beliefs into the world. We seek to touch others.
For some of us, the rigor of each day is not a random event. It’s a way of life. We show an intimate, open heart to both abled and disabled ‘others.’ We’re no stranger to pain. We learn how to manage it in our agenda. We learn how to show it in our simple creature candor.

The Land of Times Past.

2009-02-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

We often liken grief to the seasons of the year. Once our losses occur, we are never the same. We are different. At times we’re even better. Still, the self we knew is forever gone. Our "gone" or former self went with our loss. Our new found self remains here with our surviving moments.
"Our losses do not come forth. They dwell in the land of times past ... "
It is so hard to see our family and friends as they age, marry, and have children, for our losses do not change. Harder still, for us, is to attend those weddings and baptisms. It takes a great deal of courage to attend those events. They are constant and cruel reminders of what we have lost. Our losses are frozen in time, never to age. Other parts of our lives grow, mature and reap progress. The potential we once dreamed stays unchanged, not fully formed, static . . . without age.

Verge on Self Hatred.

2009-02-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

Too often we believe that we are our problem. Then we often have a desire to pick at ourselves. As if by doing so we could expose how bad we really are. We focus on our skills. Couldn’t we just admit the awful truth about ourselves? Maybe then we would start to feel better. It’s almost as if we have to go to confession. Can we have our sins absolved? Going more deeply into our problems can be just another variant on trying to get rid of them altogether. Can we go back to a state of original purity? Can we return to the garden of Eden? While most care givers would probably deny a religious influence on our thinking, many often cling unconsciously with this mode of thought. To go more deeply into our problem is a usual approach. It can lead, at best, to a kind of sober honesty and humility. This will give us a quiet strength of character.
To go more deeply into our problems is, at times, to go only into what we already know. It can lead, at worst, to a kind of jaded pessimism about ourselves. It can lead to a resigned negativity that verges on self hatred. We don’t have to go looking for problems. Our unresolved issues would come rushing in to fill every space. We might have more success in not being sucked in by them with better care around us. We feel we need to come out of our problems, not go to them more deeply. Our care givers need not get in our way in that regard. To be over whelmed will not be useful.

Who Has Old Scarred Pain?

2009-01-30T06:44:00.000-08:00

Must Our Intimate Passion Dither over Time?
Upsets in sexual links arise. These mostly occur at the point we both bring to play our husks that defend us from old scarred pain. They limit our power to go on to enjoy the double impact of our sexuality and our intimacy. After a first phase of “falling in love” usually noted and loaded with:
Ardent sex.
Emotional closeness.
Honest friendship . . . many of us evolve a fantasy bond. This often takes place after we assure a major series of moves:
Live in one place.
Bond at the same time legally.
Keep up our mutual growth.
Set up a couple with heavy duties.
We may revert to:
*&* More usual, mechanical style of making love. *&* Minify our feelings of pull for each other.
*&* Make love less often.
C’Mon! Our single or joint ennui is a topic we can deal with! Formal custom, limits, fate, divine spark nor inner growth are under attack. With a curious, exposed heart we draw near each other . . . again.

Does That DNA Stuff Work?

2009-01-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Hormones And Neuro Peptides.
Guided visualization is one way to help us “chill out.” Then we can notice our basic form. Guided visualization will help us believe in ourselves. It helps us quiet our mind. We may also use self hypnosis, call out our hopes and needs, self care, or all forms of inner focus. We may breathe deeply, walk in nature, dance, sing, listen to music, play, and/or simply enjoy a bath or Jacuzzi.
Any tactic that helps us relax and let go of tension is our best choice. When we let go of tension, we blend our inner secret life with our social image.
We’ll change who we are at a cellular and a neuron level. As feelings of self love build, our body will burble with an out flow of hormones and neuro peptides. All these meld us with our need for love. We’ll fall more in love with ourselves. We’ll create a new us. We’ll be more open to accept and give love in a sane, stable way. We’ll be more able to hold steady the intimacy that we need. We’ll create strong and sweet relations with others.

Humans Who Snuggle!

2009-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

We Both Snuggle with Our Growth.
We both snuggle with and take ‘care filled’ note of our growth. We share our care via our mutual give n’ take.
** We regress, as well as stir, to relive distant memories.
** We bring forth knowledge and recover forgotten scenes.
** We make simple a wakened kind of egress into our larger minds.
** Then: We siphon into many forms of buried facts.
** We set off varied styles of new notions.
** We tap into long and deeply embedded chunks of memory.
** We need an aware soak in our hidden mind.
Then our ideas of who we are slide and move. We move beyond fixed, husked and/or abulic mind flows.

2009-01-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

Upbeat Affects To Explore the World. The mastery Affects of Joy, Play, Enthusiasm, Delight and Excitement. DNA asks us to seek a two way flow of affect. We need our affect life held normal. We need known, predictable care givers.’ This sets up our sense of safety. It also sets up a well modulated never ending curiosity. These seeker seeds, fuel the rapid growth of our quest. We seek novel socio emotional and physical environments. This trait is a marker of lively mental health.
We display positively charged curiosity. It’s a marker of mental health across our life span. Care givers’ amplify and regulate our curious quest. This care is critically important to our:
Stead fast growth.
Find and enjoy of new capacities.
Heal of old losses.
Work around our unique deficits.
The "practicing" period occurs in those early times of our new growth. We define it by high levels of positive hedonic affect. It’s worldly concordance with our ‘slam dunk’ mental skills to show us who we are. Our body has power for calm and motion. The growth of our pre frontal cortex, an area of our brain vital to inter cede with social and emotional acts, leaps ahead. Care giver affect during our new skill phase is over whelmingly loaded with fond touch, play, and care giving. Our care givers delight in all that we find. They note with joy how our new skills emerge. This is basic. We amplify our power over more and more of our world. Our ways search and assert. Our wonder does focus on the world. Our usual and honor filled affect tone is joyful, ample and grand.

Do We Ever Heal?

2009-01-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

Shared Feelings in Real Time.
Our ‘whole person,’ ‘inter sparkle matrix,’ over rides in the care of those of us with old deep trauma. Our wide spread sense of other world origin looms. Our closed down looms. The shadow of our past too often looms . . . large within us. Still, we know, each moment with deep states of "mutual inter penetration of minds" foster ways to heal. We use the power of our shift. We move toward potent growth via our “right now” entree to real events. As we embark on a "shared spirit voyage," in real time, our care giver / care receiver dyad gives us over to non verbal acts. ‘Patchy’ marks our times with each other. Spontaneity is what we fondly term "sloppiness." The pay off is a chance to forge new ways of being with each other. We write over more than one old script with new, joint effort focus, styles and ways.
This is the stuff of visceral care, but in a new, purer form. What we offer calls for rock steady courage and core focus as we care give. We "Let Go" of our safe, sweet secure covers. We "Let Go" of theory, tactic, and explicit study matter. We let lay, at times, all maps and path finder tools. We jump rashly into areas with no facts to orient us. In this awaits unique potent energy. Our "moments of meeting" herald deep and sudden change for us and for our care givers.
Dan Stern has written an illuminating and meditative exploration of this phenomenon in his book The Present Moment.

Ahhh Yes - - - Fears.

2009-01-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

We Set Aside Our Fears and Risk Being Open.
How can two of us get
inside our “love cocoon”?
This happens. Two of us may open a part of ourselves that we, by habit, do not share with others. This makes us vulnerable to being hurt. It is risky, and particularly scary for those of us who have scars of hurt when we have made ourselves “too open.” But, when our 'other' also responds with a tender touch and a newly shown part, then we have a joining.
Shared open hearts set off close care. No matter how much we work on our mirror give n’ take skills and on our sexual skills, we’ll not get to close care until we learn to set aside our fears and risk being open with our 'other.'
To label our fears and to work on them is a great way to work on having more close care.
Is it fear that stops us from having what we want?
Let’s work on a small fear to test it out for ourselves.

Is Close Care Safe?

2009-01-29T18:05:00.000-08:00

Our “Close Care Cocoon.”
To become intimate means to become really close. To most of us, as humans, it means being sexual. But it is likely we can be sexual and not be intimate. To some of us close care means to talk and to share. We share things that have great value to us. But that can also be done when we’re not intimate.
What is it that can make these things our “intimate” cocoon of close care?
Our close care refers to us and our 'other.' We’ve gone away from the rest of the world. Still, we’re not away from each other. We attach to each other. It is as though the two of us are inside a love cocoon. Being inside this cocoon gives our relation extra value.
In our love cocoon we liven some old imprinted events. These are events from long ago when we traded snuggles, or hoped to, with our care giver(s) we had trust in.

We Both Sense All We Can.

2009-01-29T18:01:00.000-08:00

Couples Sensing
Whole Bodies.
To have a way to give n’ take with our loved one about the inner snags we free and what the new sense of energy means to us deep within, is a major aspect of growth.
The goal of our release is for us to go thru, with both of us sensing, a comfy aura of self reliance. We build, by habit, old honored nerve tracts in our body. We free them so our release may unfold. We gain a dawn of trust of who we think we are. This allows us to create much more. Our urge to create will demand an outlet. Excess musing flails with self absorption and isolation. These are polar to the growth of self reliance. Our growth will press to seek more ability. As we bring forth our ability, we put what we think into creative action. To produce is meaning making in action. Self reliance lays the basis for unique choices. The goal of self reliance is to open the avenue back to each of our usual human store of new ways.

Behold An Other Emptiness.

2009-01-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

Behold An Other Emptiness.
As our time together runs out, we pause, dazed. We’re changed and disoriented and unbearably happy. Our silence falls. That's when we’d sense a flood of peace rousal. We breathe with miles of safety at whose edge we lay. Our silent spirits mingle with our own breath. It rises in plumes toward the brilliant moon and stars. We’ll lie there a long time. We feel our backs cool. Our whole bodies cool toward our silent sanctuary. We listen to an inner hum that is hardly a rousal. It’s a subtle unmoving energy. At such times we have a mind flood of peace. We’ve been silent a long time. We do not think of any misery in the sound of our rousal. To be that flood of peace, via our mind, is to be empty of any early notion. We hear without judgment. Thus we hear in our rousal neither misery nor happiness. We just happen. We listen in our sanctuary. We behold our world without delusion or projection. We see nothing that is not there. To have a mind flooded with peace requires, however, that we be nothing ourselves. Lying in our sanctuary, we let our bodies cool, our breath slow, our mind empty of thoughts. The flood of peace mind, knows its own emptiness, beholds nothing that is not there but also, as its final achievement, the nothing that is. At this moment of merging, one emptiness beholds another emptiness not different from itself. All severalty falls away, and we are snuggled, without borders into our sanctuary and stars, rooted as ancient trees, impassive as a flowing river.

With Hush and Moon Light.

2009-01-12T12:43:00.000-08:00

Peace loving floods of arousal may seem quite an achievement for us. Still, we are mystics by nature. Most of us can recall such a moment. Those years when the moon's glow still made our wishes come true. We enter, with ease, those realms of spirit. Later we touch them only thru effort of focus and trials. The world itself is our cathedral. So it may be for us, if we can learn again our openness to it.
Let’s return to our dreamy time. Let’s return to the edge of a field of moon light. We think we can learn one thing more. Like whole body sexual loving, we begin with hush and moon light. We go down the slippery slope toward peace loving floods of rousal. We learn that peace loving floods of rousal is no other than form; form is no other than peace loving floods of rousal. Here the words of paradox gesture toward a notion we cannot grasp by intellect alone. Just as silence is the needed demand, or ground of speech, peace loving floods of rousal are not negation. They are pure possibility. It’s our condition or ground of being. To waken to peace loving floods of arousal is to know that it's been there all along. Our peace loving floods of arousal are the host of which we are, every moment, the guest. . . . The realm of peace loving floods of arousal is not a place we may live in, but if we want freedom, we must pass thru it. It is the gate to initiate us to our spirit, the destination to which our sincerity, our foolishness, our suffering, our inward focus and call to forgive will lead us.

We Desire To be Grounded.

2009-01-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

So does sex give real meaning to my life? Real purpose? Yes and no. It is meaningless in the objective or philosophic sense. But, for better or worse, it is meaningful on the personal, experiential level. We do agree to exchange with each other. We renew ourselves every so often. We’re nourished in what we go thru whatever kind of meaning we expect. That meaning may tangle us in intimacy, close care, joy, fore sight, body flaws, or the hope that life is OK.
The physiology of our wish too often does not equal our desire to assume that sex has meaning. We have a desire to be grounded. We have a desire to depend on some thing. But as we grow, we all have to get off the floor and walk, even though it seems so terribly high up there, and the floor seems so terribly hard, and to fall is so terribly scary.

Can we affirm our own life?
Is this DNA mandate harmful?
Do our bodies betray us?

Sex Changes - It’s Reinvented - Each Time.

2009-01-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

The fact that sex is a DNA mandated necessity is its ultimate positive quality. It gives us the chance to find an infinite number of meanings in sex. We use sex as a vehicle for selfexploration. It gives us the chance to play, in the purest sense of the word.
Still, the fact that sex has no meaning is scary. It means that every time we agree to exchange with each other we're adrift. It means we have to openly agree to our choices. Do we agree with this event? Maybe we think that sex is daring! Or we may think that sex is too potent! It might ruin us. This view has terror at its center.
Sex only has meaning in so far as we allow a good soak in it. Its meaning does emerge to take new form. It’s not objective. We find the meaning of sex each time we agree to exchange with each other. We find meaning that only resides in our sensory whole. We find here n’ now pay off that only resides in our cortico afferent whole. The meaning of sex changes - is reinvented - each time we yield to each other.

In The Flow Zone

2009-01-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

It’s beyond what we share. It’s beyond what the personality based and model based care givers share. We have more. It’s the appeal of our dyadic inter action itself. We take on our own rare and unique ways to be and live from our couple.
Our seeds of change do come to touch each other. The moment to moment vibes ‘tween us, lead to a sense of a change toward growth. We have the egress of a “core sense of being.” It’s when intense, rapid, and mutual, back and forth, work, easily and with simple grace, takes place. As we feel our “core sense of being,” care receiver, and care giver, are “in the zone.” We have a “flow” to our care deal. Our “seemingly nebulous, yet creative process” kicks into gear. It is as if the process gets a mind of its own. The wonder of golden care giving occurs. It’s when we meld our minds and our senses in motion.
The developmental literature tells in detail how the process does unfold. These forces join. It’s how events are co constructed thru the inter action of dyadic partners. If we’re mother and child, therapist and patient, co-workers, or partners in a relation we build skills and hopes.

Floods of Arousal

2009-01-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

Floods Of Arousal.
Peace loving floods of rousal link us to mysticism and the long tradition of the via negativa. Via negativa brings out our spirit's basic unknowability. At times we’re best when we stand empty. We cheer on a radical “Letting Go.” We loose an urge to “Let Go.” We release not only what material items we possess. We release signs of our intellect and spirit as well. "Blessed are the poor in spirit." As poor in spirit we “Let Go” of all we know. We admit what we know of our spirit. We “Let Go” of all will, even the will to do the will of our spirit. It is this radical “Letting Go” of our will, of what we know, and of what we have that allows our spirit to take us.
Peace loving floods of rousal, like silence, like love, is indeed a gift. It’s not an event we choose. It’s not an event we reason our way into. It’s a place or force into which we fall. It’s a thing in which we find ourselves. Our fall into peace loving floods of rousal, into silence, has the nature of an accident. Though we can't choose our accidents, we can learn to make ourselves accident prone. We make ourselves available for the fall into peace loving floods of rousal. These always come as grace.

2008-12-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

To Heed the Signal.
We feel that our life is coming undone. It's the signal to waken that begins an initiation. The signal can take many forms:
Illness or accident.
Betrayal by a spouse.
Death of a loved one.
Urge to enter psychotherapy.
Impulse to begin a period of self-examination.
Recognition of an unhealthy scene.
Recognition of an unhealthy relation.
This is our opportunity to transcend the lament "Why is this happening to me?"
This is our chance to seek a greater purpose behind the crisis. During this acute phase, we'll most likely experience a disruption of our ego. It's our sense of "I am." We, our ego, tend to cling to old definitions of who we are: the Provider, the Responsible One, the Caretaker, the Black Sheep, the Boss, the Martyr, and so on. When we answer the call to waken, we leave behind, at least for now, this familiar turf and may feel grouchy, pained, contrary, scared and unmoored.