Who Has Old Scarred Pain?

Must Our Intimate Passion Dither over Time?
Upsets in sexual links arise. These mostly occur at the point we both bring to play our husks that defend us from old scarred pain. They limit our power to go on to enjoy the double impact of our sexuality and our intimacy. After a first phase of “falling in love” usually noted and loaded with:
Ardent sex.
Emotional closeness.
Honest friendship . . . many of us evolve a fantasy bond. This often takes place after we assure a major series of moves:
Live in one place.
Bond at the same time legally.
Keep up our mutual growth.
Set up a couple with heavy duties.
We may revert to:
*&* More usual, mechanical style of making love. *&* Minify our feelings of pull for each other.
*&* Make love less often.
C’Mon! Our single or joint ennui is a topic we can deal with! Formal custom, limits, fate, divine spark nor inner growth are under attack. With a curious, exposed heart we draw near each other . . . again.

Does That DNA Stuff Work?

Hormones And Neuro Peptides.
Guided visualization is one way to help us “chill out.” Then we can notice our basic form. Guided visualization will help us believe in ourselves. It helps us quiet our mind. We may also use self  hypnosis, call out our hopes and needs, self care, or all forms of inner focus. We may breathe deeply, walk in nature, dance, sing, listen to music, play, and/or simply enjoy a bath or Jacuzzi.
Any tactic that helps us relax and let go of tension is our best choice. When we let go of tension, we blend our inner secret life with our social image.
We’ll change who we are at a cellular and a neuron level. As feelings of self  love build, our body will burble with an out flow of hormones and neuro peptides. All these meld us with our need for love. We’ll fall more in love with ourselves. We’ll create a new us. We’ll be more open to accept and give love in a sane, stable way. We’ll be more able to hold steady the intimacy that we need. We’ll create strong and sweet relations with others.

Humans Who Snuggle!

We Both Snuggle with Our Growth.
We both snuggle with and take ‘care filled’ note of our growth. We share our care via our mutual give n’ take.
** We regress, as well as stir, to relive distant memories.
** We bring forth knowledge and recover forgotten scenes.
** We make simple a wakened kind of egress into our larger minds.
** Then: We siphon into many forms of buried facts.
** We set off varied styles of new notions.
** We tap into long and deeply embedded chunks of memory.
** We need an aware soak in our hidden mind.
Then our ideas of who we are slide and move. We move beyond fixed, husked and/or abulic mind flows.

Upbeat Affects To Explore the World. The mastery Affects of Joy, Play, Enthusiasm, Delight and Excitement. DNA asks us to seek a two way flow of affect. We need our affect life held normal. We need known, predictable care givers.’ This sets up our sense of safety. It also sets up a well modulated never ending curiosity. These seeker seeds, fuel the rapid growth of our quest. We seek novel socio emotional and physical environments. This trait is a marker of lively mental health.
We display positively charged curiosity. It’s a marker of mental health across our life span. Care givers’ amplify and regulate our curious quest. This care is critically important to our:
Stead fast growth.
Find and enjoy of new capacities.
Heal of old losses.
Work around our unique deficits.
The "practicing" period occurs in those early times of our new growth. We define it by high levels of positive hedonic affect. It’s worldly concordance with our ‘slam dunk’ mental skills to show us who we are. Our body has power for calm and motion. The growth of our pre frontal cortex, an area of our brain vital to inter cede with social and emotional acts, leaps ahead. Care giver affect during our new skill phase is over whelmingly loaded with fond touch, play, and care giving. Our care givers delight in all that we find. They note with joy how our new skills emerge. This is basic. We amplify our power over more and more of our world. Our ways search and assert. Our wonder does focus on the world. Our usual and honor filled affect tone is joyful, ample and grand.

Do We Ever Heal?

Shared Feelings in Real Time.
Our ‘whole person,’ ‘inter sparkle matrix,’ over rides in the care of those of us with old deep trauma. Our wide spread sense of other world origin looms. Our closed down looms. The shadow of our past too often looms . . . large within us. Still, we know, each moment with deep states of "mutual inter penetration of minds" foster ways to heal. We use the power of our shift. We move toward potent growth via our “right now” entree to real events. As we embark on a "shared spirit voyage," in real time, our care giver / care receiver dyad gives us over to non verbal acts. ‘Patchy’ marks our times with each other. Spontaneity is what we fondly term "sloppiness." The pay off is a chance to forge new ways of being  with  each other. We write over more than one old script with new, joint effort focus, styles and ways.
This is the stuff of visceral care, but in a new, purer form. What we offer calls for rock steady courage and core focus as we care give. We "Let Go" of our safe, sweet secure covers. We "Let Go" of theory, tactic, and explicit study matter. We let lay, at times, all maps and path finder tools. We jump rashly into areas with no facts to orient us. In this awaits unique potent energy. Our "moments of meeting" herald deep and sudden change for us and for our care givers.
Dan Stern has written an illuminating and meditative exploration of this phenomenon in his book The Present Moment.

Ahhh Yes - - - Fears.

We Set Aside Our Fears and Risk Being Open.
How can two of us get
inside our “love cocoon”?
This happens. Two of us may open a part of ourselves that we, by habit, do not share with others. This makes us vulnerable to being hurt. It is risky, and particularly scary for those of us who have scars of hurt when we have made ourselves “too open.” But, when our 'other' also responds with a tender touch and a newly shown part, then we have a joining.
Shared open hearts set off close care. No matter how much we work on our mirror give n’ take skills and on our sexual skills, we’ll not get to close care until we learn to set aside our fears and risk being open with our 'other.'
To label our fears and to work on them is a great way to work on having more close care.
Is it fear that stops us from having what we want?
Let’s work on a small fear to test it out for ourselves.

Is Close Care Safe?

Our “Close Care Cocoon.”
To become intimate means to become really close. To most of us, as humans, it means being sexual. But it is likely we can be sexual and not be intimate. To some of us close care means to talk and to share. We share things that have great value to us. But that can also be done when we’re not intimate.
What is it that can make these things our “intimate” cocoon of close care?
Our close care refers to us and our 'other.' We’ve gone away from the rest of the world. Still, we’re not away from each other. We attach to each other. It is as though the two of us are inside a love cocoon. Being inside this cocoon gives our relation extra value.
In our love cocoon we liven some old imprinted events. These are events from long ago when we traded snuggles, or hoped to, with our care giver(s) we had trust in.

We Both Sense All We Can.

Couples Sensing
Whole Bodies.
To have a way to give n’ take with our loved one about the inner snags we free and what the new sense of energy means to us deep within, is a major aspect of growth.
The goal of our release is for us to go thru, with both of us sensing, a comfy aura of self reliance. We build, by habit, old honored nerve tracts in our body. We free them so our release may unfold. We gain a dawn of trust of who we think we are. This allows us to create much more. Our urge to create will demand an outlet. Excess musing flails with self absorption and isolation. These are polar to the growth of self reliance. Our growth will press to seek more ability. As we bring forth our ability, we put what we think into creative action. To produce is meaning making in action. Self reliance lays the basis for unique choices. The goal of self reliance is to open the avenue back to each of our usual human store of new ways.

Behold An Other Emptiness.

Behold An Other Emptiness.
As our time together runs out, we pause, dazed. We’re changed and disoriented and unbearably happy. Our silence falls. That's when we’d sense a flood of peace rousal. We breathe with miles of safety at whose edge we lay. Our silent spirits mingle with our own breath. It rises in plumes toward the brilliant moon and stars. We’ll lie there a long time. We feel our backs cool. Our whole bodies cool toward our silent sanctuary. We listen to an inner hum that is hardly a rousal. It’s a subtle unmoving energy. At such times we have a mind flood of peace. We’ve been silent a long time. We do not think of any misery in the sound of our rousal. To be that flood of peace, via our mind, is to be empty of any early notion. We hear without judgment. Thus we hear in our rousal neither misery nor happiness. We just happen. We listen in our sanctuary. We behold our world without delusion or projection. We see nothing that is not there. To have a mind flooded with peace requires, however, that we be nothing ourselves. Lying in our sanctuary, we let our bodies cool, our breath slow, our mind empty of thoughts. The flood of peace mind, knows its own emptiness, beholds nothing that is not there but also, as its final achievement, the nothing that is. At this moment of merging, one emptiness beholds another emptiness not different from itself. All severalty falls away, and we are snuggled, without borders into our sanctuary and stars, rooted as ancient trees, impassive as a flowing river.

With Hush and Moon Light.

Peace loving floods of arousal may seem quite an achievement for us. Still, we are mystics by nature. Most of us can recall such a moment. Those years when the moon's glow still made our wishes come true. We enter, with ease, those realms of spirit. Later we touch them only thru effort of focus and trials. The world itself is our cathedral. So it may be for us, if we can learn again our openness to it.
Let’s return to our dreamy time. Let’s return to the edge of a field of moon light. We think we can learn one thing more. Like whole body sexual loving, we begin with hush and moon light. We go down the slippery slope toward peace loving floods of rousal. We learn that peace loving floods of rousal is no other than form; form is no other than peace loving floods of rousal. Here the words of paradox gesture toward a notion we cannot grasp by intellect alone. Just as silence is the needed demand, or ground of speech, peace loving floods of rousal are not negation. They are pure possibility. It’s our condition or ground of being. To waken to peace loving floods of arousal is to know that it's been there all along. Our peace loving floods of arousal are the host of which we are, every moment, the guest. . . . The realm of peace loving floods of arousal is not a place we may live in, but if we want freedom, we must pass thru it. It is the gate to initiate us to our spirit, the destination to which our sincerity, our foolishness, our suffering, our inward focus and call to forgive will lead us.

We Desire To be Grounded.

So does sex give real meaning to my life? Real purpose? Yes and no. It is meaningless in the objective or philosophic sense. But, for better or worse, it is meaningful on the personal, experiential level. We do agree to exchange with each other. We renew ourselves every so often. We’re nourished in what we go thru whatever kind of meaning we expect. That meaning may tangle us in intimacy, close care, joy, fore sight, body flaws, or the hope that life is OK.
The physiology of our wish too often does not equal our desire to assume that sex has meaning. We have a desire to be grounded. We have a desire to depend on some thing. But as we grow, we all have to get off the floor and walk, even though it seems so terribly high up there, and the floor seems so terribly hard, and to fall is so terribly scary.

Can we affirm our own life?
Is this DNA mandate harmful?
Do our bodies betray us?

Sex Changes - It’s Reinvented - Each Time.

The fact that sex is a DNA mandated necessity is its ultimate positive quality. It gives us the chance to find an infinite number of meanings in sex. We use sex as a vehicle for selfexploration. It gives us the chance to play, in the purest sense of the word.
Still, the fact that sex has no meaning is scary. It means that every time we agree to exchange with each other we're adrift. It means we have to openly agree to our choices. Do we agree with this event? Maybe we think that sex is daring! Or we may think that sex is too potent! It might ruin us. This view has terror at its center.
Sex only has meaning in so far as we allow a good soak in it. Its meaning does emerge to take new form. It’s not objective. We find the meaning of sex each time we agree to exchange with each other. We find meaning that only resides in our sensory whole. We find here n’ now pay off that only resides in our cortico afferent whole. The meaning of sex changes - is reinvented - each time we yield to each other.

In The Flow Zone

It’s beyond what we share. It’s beyond what the personality  based and model  based care givers share. We have more. It’s the appeal of our dyadic inter action itself. We take on our own rare and unique ways to be and live from our couple.
Our seeds of change do come to touch each other. The moment to moment vibes ‘tween us, lead to a sense of a change toward growth. We have the egress of a “core sense of being.” It’s when intense, rapid, and mutual, back and forth, work, easily and with simple grace, takes place. As we feel our “core sense of being,” care receiver, and care giver, are “in the zone.” We have a “flow” to our care deal. Our “seemingly nebulous, yet creative process” kicks into gear. It is as if the process gets a mind of its own. The wonder of golden care giving occurs. It’s when we meld our minds and our senses in motion.
The developmental literature tells in detail how the process does unfold. These forces join. It’s how events are co  constructed thru the inter action of dyadic partners. If we’re mother and child, therapist and patient, co-workers, or partners in a relation we build skills and hopes.

Floods of Arousal

Floods Of Arousal.
Peace loving floods of rousal link us to mysticism and the long tradition of the via negativa. Via negativa brings out our spirit's basic unknowability. At times we’re best when we stand empty. We cheer on a radical “Letting Go.” We loose an urge to “Let Go.” We release not only what material items we possess. We release signs of our intellect and spirit as well. "Blessed are the poor in spirit." As poor in spirit we “Let Go” of all we know. We admit what we know of our spirit. We “Let Go” of all will, even the will to do the will of our spirit. It is this radical “Letting Go” of our will, of what we know, and of what we have that allows our spirit to take us.
Peace loving floods of rousal, like silence, like love, is indeed a gift. It’s not an event we choose. It’s not an event we reason our way into. It’s a place or force into which we fall. It’s a thing in which we find ourselves. Our fall into peace loving floods of rousal, into silence, has the nature of an accident. Though we can't choose our accidents, we can learn to make ourselves accident prone. We make ourselves available for the fall into peace loving floods of rousal. These always come as grace.